Everyone Dies at the End
by rddrgn
Summary: The Apocalypse is here and there's only one person that can stop it. The only trouble is she has no idea how. Follow John and Dave along with some new friends as they try to defeat the Zulu virus that threatens to take over not just Undisclosed but the whole world. (AU set in the sequel of JDATE)
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue:**

Kiran:

The ground was crunchy with shattered glass, shattered bone, and shattered bullet shells which made our stealthy tip toe into the city everything but what we wanted it to be. We thought we had the element of surprise but it turns out all we had now were the weapons in our hands. To me was entrusted the awesome bible bat, John his three barrel shot gun, Turanga the flame thrower, Dave a random pistol he found on the ground, and Amy that stupid furgun. This is all that was left to defeat the swarm of parasite infected humanoids. Part of me thought there was no way we could survive; that meant we absolutely had to.

We crossed before John's apartment just outside the center of town and paused. Our eyes all drifted to Amy, left arm crossed over her abdomen as her right hand shakily clutched the alien weapon. She seemed confused until Dave grasped her shoulders and then she began to cry, "Amy, I want you to go up to the building, alright? No questions, no protests, no anything. You stay up there and if shit goes South you shoot a helicopter out of that thing and get the hell out of here."

"David, no! You don't have to do this! /None/ of you have to do this, "she declared, crumbling all of our thin facades.

This whole time I had tried to desensitize myself to all this but Amy had a way of making everything disturbingly real. Her strong green eyes were amplified by tears and her glasses and I could see the wheels turning in that brilliant mind of hers, but to be honest I didn't want another way out. All this time everyone said I could end this-I was the hero-and I did nothing. In every broken window echoed the agony of tortured souls I could have saved and I just couldn't live with that. There was a 90% chance we were going to die but I needed that 10% to make it all worth it.

"Listen, w-we can grab one of the mannequins from the department store and attach the flame thrower to it and that'll distract them long enough to get away," she begged, beginning to sob when it became apparent no one was buying it, "David, I can't let you go! Please, I need you, I need all of you! David you promised you wouldn't leave me! You swore!"

"Amy," the way he said her name made me stand at attention. Dave was always reluctant to take the lead but he could be the boss when he wanted to, "This isn't about me anymore, this isn't even about you. This is about that little guy-"

"-or girl," Turanga interrupted.

"-or girl in your stomach right now that needs to be born. I fucked up so much in my life, Amy, and I need you to make sure that's the one thing I did right, okay? Now go up there because I need to do this. I have to."

"Actually, Dave, you don't."

It was the first thing John had said since he tried to tell me he loved me and I didn't let him. Turanga said love was a weakness and if I were to accept my destiny I couldn't have anything hold me back. Falling in love with John already set me back miles but knowing he loved me? How could I fight with that kind of knowledge? How could I die with that?

"We need someone to make sure she doesn't shoot another beard, although a flying beard would be awesome. And...and for almost a week I thought you were dead and honestly, I didn't want to go on...doing anything. I can't do that again. I can't watch you die again," John's voice didn't quiver although his full lovely lips did.

David stared back hard at my handsome true love as he snapped, "How do you think I feel? You're my only friend. What am I supposed to do when you're gone?"

A strange realization hit me in the middle of the first man/man fluff stuff I had ever seen between these two. The whole time they knew we were going to die. This whole time they had no doubt we were going to be condemned. The whole second part of the plan was a lie, a rouse, for what? For Amy's sake? Jeez, I thought we had some hope-I still had hope.

"Name your son after me, obvs," John smirked while Dave rolled his eyes.

"We have to go," Turanga urged in that cold tone she used when emotions got too much for her to deal with.

David looked between us all in that way he did when things needed to get done and he didn't even know where to begin. He shook his head as he stared at John and angrily barked, "There's so much I have to say."

"Trust me," John smiled in that samurai sensei way only he did, "Everything you have to say I already know."

David opened his mouth but I was done with all the epic sadness their goodbye stirred in me and I had to part with someone myself. I crossed the space between me and Amy in two strides and without a word scooped my hand behind her neck and pulled her face close to mine. Our lips met faster than we had and I was velvet in the red head's kiss. To my surprise her mouth pressed back and I tasted terrified tongue. The goodbyes were over as I stepped away and turned toward destruction.

I left John and Dave with that puzzled look they shared from time to time as I willed myself to get strong again. I couldn't cry. I couldn't let my friends die. I had to be strong. I had to be a light warrior.

Once we were far enough away Turanga muttered angrily, "I saved your life thirty fucking times and I don't even get a fucking hug, fuck this."

"And I'm your soul mate," John grumbled, "What's this shit?"

I couldn't hide my smile as I looked over the both of them, equally sexy and obviously the last two people I would love to be left on this world with, "If we survive how about we have a congratulatory ménage a trois?"

John's eyes bulged out of his head while Turanga smirked and gave him a rough elbow, "We'll finally put that big dick to good use."

I couldn't help but laugh at the two of them debating about who would give me the better orgasm and I really couldn't wait to find out who would be the winner. The more they talked about it the more hopeful they sounded and I felt. It would be a three day event testing many different varieties of love. I wondered happily: what did I get myself into?

We rounded the corner and all lightness, all hope fell.

Every infected person stood at the center of town waiting for us.

I whispered.

"Fuck."


	2. Chapter 2

**One Month Before Outbreak**

John:

Over a bucket of chicken nuggets Dave and I discussed the laws of Soy Sauce. With our buffet of our own neatly packed sauce resting on the Bronco's dashboard and a twelve pack between my legs we were at optimum philosopher mode. I airplaned into honey mustard as I pondered, "How many people do you think have been in contact with it?"

"Wrom chum macabro," Dave swallowed, "So there's no real way we'd ever know."

"We should have a signal, you know?" I take a bite of barbecue goop encrusted chicken, "Like a code word or something to identify ourselves to other sauce survivors. Like pedophiles."

"What?" Dave asked in that brain freeze way of his.

"Yeah, you never heard that joke: how can you tell someone's a pedophile? Stare at them hard until they tell you the truth," I nodded.

Dave's eyes looked up slowly as they broke out of the frozen face, "I'm pretty sure I've heard something like that and I'm pretty sure that's not how it goes."

"Whatever," I shrugged, "You get the point. We need a signal."

"I think you've brought enough attention to us with that stupid blog of caboba," Dave motioned to the sauce he had just devoured his nugget with, "Buffalo is a go."

My eyes shot open as I looked to my indirect genius of a friend, "That's it! 'Buffalo is a go!' Incredible."

"I was talking about the sauce," Dave groaned.

I nodded my head, "And don't I know it. Hey, you think Big Jim and Fred Chu would have survived if everything with Shit Load and Vegas didn't happen?"

"What do you mean?" He asked, taking my question very serious since he's been porking Jim's sister and everything.

"Like...do you think the Sauce would have let them live?" I explained as I took a sip of beer I had neglected to tell my pal about.

"Hm. I don't see why not. Cool guy like Fred? He'd do anything," Dave exclaimed, probably thinking of all the opportunities he would've had if he were more like our deceased friend.

His face got that cave man look when he was self-loathing and maybe it was the nuggets or the Bronco's dashboard but he started getting really shiny. I narrowed my eyes, about to tell him to cut it out, when he looked up and flinched, "What the shit is that?!"

My eyes followed his to the windshield and my mouth fell open. Hovering over the engine was a large glowing orb of light. The thing was unlike anything we had ever seen and we have seen /a lot/ of shit. The first thing I thought of was that shitty orb that took us to that other dimension but this one wasn't big enough for us to go through. Then I thought it looked like that orb Viola kicked ass with in SoulCalibur-all exuding light and mystery while being the size of a medicine ball and totally not harmless. Instead of blue like her's this was pure light, nearly blinding light with no actual color.

For some reason E.T. popped into my mind and I shook my head to answer Dave's question, "I don't know but I think it wants us to take it to our leader."

The thing suddenly whipped away of the parking lot we loitered in. Without another word we were storming after it, condiments flying every where. It seemed just like me, Dave was compelled to follow the spectacular glowing thing. Although my friend hated being in supernatural car chases it never failed he would instigate one under the right circumstances. All we needed was the bitching that would come in three, two, one, "This is so fucking stupid! A giant blob appears and our first instinct is what?! Follow it?!"

"Faster Dave! You're losing it!" I shouted. The slight buzz I had made the blob into two so actually I wasn't sure if we were losing it or not.

To our surprise he ignored his own bitching and slammed on the gas peddle. The Bronco squealed like a pot belly pig or an old truck about to fall apart. He shook his head as he repeated, "This is so fucking stupid! I'm done!"

He began to ease his foot off the gas just as the thing zipped into a parking lot, just a little ways away, "Come on! It just made a turn, we have to follow it!"

"No, John! I just got arrested for some freaky shit! I almost went to prison! I'm done with this!"

"Come on! We don't know what it wan-"

"I don't ca-"

"You're gonna mis-"

"I'm not foll-"

"Dave!"

"John!"

"Da-"

"Don't touch th-"

EEEEEER.

BADUMDOOM.

Despite Dave's lofty protest brawn over brain-as always-won. I yanked the wheel away from his grip and toward me, steering the car over the sidewalk and into the parking lot. Before the truck was even in park I was out of the thing and storming toward the double glass doors I watched the glowing orb dive through. I could hear Dave shouting and stomping behind me but I was focused. The thing appeared to us for a reason and like a cat with a laser pointer I had to find the source.

I swung open the door and entered but a frightening sight paused my action. It was like I was transported into some alternate Shit Narnia where the ultimate evil reigns-boy bands. There were posters, card board cutouts, pictures, action figures, toothbrushes with little prepubescent boys smiling at me. An ominous sign read "Five Below" and the place seemed to go on indefinitely and other than satan merch they sold candy, lots of it. Everything was pink or orange and I could feel myself turning into a ten year old girl the longer I stayed.

"What now, Jack Ass?" Dave hissed, smelling oddly like ranch dipping sauce.

"Obviously this place is evil and that thing sent us here to destroy it. Come on, it's about to get hot in he-"

"Um, excuse me. Can I help you?"

The voice was higher pitched and must've belong to a twelve year old that got sucked in here. Normally little kids are Dave's thing, when his reluctant hero persona kicks in, but I needed him to fuck shit up with. I turned to the girl and began to say, "Unless you're a glowing ball of light I don't think s-"

I couldn't finish my sentence. I couldn't even finish my thought. The thing that spoke was not an innocent twelve year old girl, it wasn't a girl at all. Behind the register where a girl should be was a cylindrical beam of light that went as high as a short girl, maybe 5'2". The light seemed to be yellow but white yet blue and all at the same time no color at all. The only thing I knew was that it was pure, the purest thing I had ever seen. Memories of all the sex I had and drugs I did popped up but it seemed the light burned them away, making room in places guilt I didn't even know I felt had been taking up. I wanted to call my girlfriend Sheila/Shiva and tell her I only remembered her as Tender Nipples and that I'm sorry I don't care about her, like at all.

Something flashed before me to take my attention off the beautiful thing. I realized it was the ball that lead us to it and as the ball circled the light it dimmed and suddenly I could see a girl standing in its place. She still glowed-kind of like those gods from Hercules-but I could see human features that weren't there before. She appeared to be twenty of at least mature looking but she did have a baby face that looked so sweet. I could imagine people talking to her and calling her 'sweetie' and her thinking "you don't even know me." Despite the glow I could see she had nice caramel skin, brownie eyes, hair long and dark like dripping fudge, lips like jolly ranchers. She had giant breasts and despite being short was pretty curvaceous. She was a babe.

"Hello?"

The word snapped me out of my haze and I realized her most striking feature was her "what the fu-" look on her face. The time I spent hypnotized by the light came back and I understood for a whole three minutes I just stared at her open mouthed, even drooling. I shook my head and asked, "Did you know you're glo-"

"Here, I found it," came Dave's unmistakably irritated voice.

I saw that on the counter he had dropped two twix bars, two red bulls, and a lumpy ball that shot laser light around on the inside and actually looked like what I shouted earlier. The girl, the woman, the light, nodded and began to scan the items. I glared at Dave, thinking we should tell her, but he glared back-probably thinking about an orgy with her and Amy. I opened my mouth to finish my earlier question but she cut me off, "Would you like to make a donation to Alex's Lemonade Stand to help fight against childhood cancer?"

Whoever ran the place must have been evil to teach her that script. She sounded so sincere, so cute, so noncommittal only a hard rat bastard would deny her. Dave looked her right in the eyes and said, "No."

"Oh, come o-"

I had taken a step closer to the register and closer to the girl but an odd sensation filled me. It started like tingles and then grew into a relaxing, massage like sensation. It felt good, so good I completely ignored what Dave was saying to look at the girl like an idiot again. Could Dave feel it? Could Dave feel the happy that got realer the closer I got to her?

"What ever," was my only response to him as I reached in my pocket and grabbed my wallet. I opened it up and began my search through. Hm. Lint. How did that happen? I looked to Dave, "Can I borrow five dollars?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Hey, it's really okay. Honestly, no pressure at all," the girl smiled though she looked pretty pressured into saying that as she looked between us. Stupid Dave.

"No, it's fine," I smiled, finding it easier to do that with her around.

"Shit, John, just let it go!" Dave bursted like an asshole.

"Jeez, Dave, not in front of-"

"Kiran?"

We stopped dead and looked at the girl. We knew what that name meant. It was Hindi for 'Beam of Light." Me and Dave looked at each other. She had to know.

Dave got his squinty constipated look as he asked the girl, "Now...Kiran. When you look at yourself in the mirror...what do you see?"

"What?" Her voice was shaky as she looked at us and I could see her eyes watering slightly. She had to know but why would she lie? There was no way she could be evil. Me and Dave-specially Dave-knew evil and she was not.

"Because when me and my friend John here look at you we see something pretty specific and we want to know if you see the same thing," he continued.

Kiran's eyes watered a little more and her face got a bit red like strawberry nesquick mix got sprinkled on her. She took in a deep breath and I waited for her to explode into some ethereal being but instead she did something worse. Tears rolled down her cheeks while her face crumbles into a baby's cry. I looked to Dave and mumbled, "Dick."

"Is this what you guys do? You just pick on ugly new girls in town? You come in here and gawk at me like some sort of side show attraction and then what?" She cried unashamed tears that filled those new places she healed.

"No! No!" I shouted as I pressed myself against the check out counter and felt the embrace of her heart breaking emotion. I grabbed her hand-though I don't know why at all-and looked into her eyes, "We're weird and were fucked up but not because you're ugly. You're not ugly! You're not ugly! You're hot! We're just stupid and don't know how to talk to girls because we're idiots. Especially this asshole!"

The tears slowed down but her face was still twisted in that sad face of her's. She lowered her eyes and it seemed then she realized I was holding her hand. We pulled away slowly and she looked between us and she nodded, "You guys are stupid."

I let out a laugh as I looked her over, enjoying the smile that took up her face instead of the sad crying. I was never good at consoling women-I'd either ignore them or run away-but I couldn't do that to the light which grew in her cheeks which might've meant she was blushing. I really liked the way she looked at me all trusting and such as if I had saved her day. It was so simple too. Usually I had to shower naked or get kicked in the head in order to be the hero.

"Well, sorry to break up this romantic moment but I have work in the morning," Dave injected awkwardly.

"Hm," I said as I looked at him, "I forgot you were here."

Dave rolled his eyes and grabbed the bag, "I'm leaving without you."

"Whatever," I waved. "I'm really sorry about him. He's not a people person at all."

"I can tell," she nodded, "why do you smell like honey mustard?"

I opened my mouth but the Bronco's loud engine cut me off, "I'll tell you later."

She nodded, "It's a date."

For the first time in a long time I felt a butterfly float around my stomach. I hated it and loved it at the same time. I nodded with her, "It's a date."

Dave beeped and I pulled myself away to run to him, missing the light and the girl already.


End file.
